I’m trying to get drowsy. And I should succeed - after all, I’m listening to a selection called “Starry Sea” from Soundsleep Solutions. Not familiar with it? Maybe you haven’t stayed at a Crowne Plaza lately (and pirated their Sleep Advantage CD onto your iTunes like I did a couple weeks ago). I was on a business trip, and on the bed-stand sat a nifty little package of stuff including some linen spray which I sprayed on the linens but also which did not make me sleepy, and a CD from Soundsleep Solutions. Intrigued and a little bored, I popped the CD into my computer and loaded up the songs.
This really is an interesting idea from Crowne Plaza.
The first few selections feature a man’s voice instructing the insomniac in relaxation techniques. I figured the guy to be a retired golf announcer or someone waiting to get hired by a cable fishing show. He was working desperately at sounding oh, so soothing. But after a couple of flashbacks to pregnancy and childbirth classes, I decided the relaxation guy was too un-relaxing.
The next selections featured soothing music, which I thought might be great, as there were quite a few of them and I could perhaps use the songs as background music for a church dinner or a women’s tea.
Or not. Dragging the bar across the song for a quick overview, I discovered an odd pulsing sound in the middle of the first song. It was quite pronounced, and it dawned on me that this is supposed to be a heartbeat sound, perhaps heard from inside the womb.
I am way too cynical. I rolled my eyes even though no one was in the room to see me, and I thought, “Are they TRYING to make me think of ultrasounds and pregnancy or have they been deluded into believing adults want to crawl back into the womb and go night-night?
I deleted song number two.
Song number three had a nice sound, but again the squish-squish heartbeat started up mid song and I deleted that one too. And the next. The next several selections were much more subtle, but sure enough, near the end came the unmistakable, albeit nearly imperceptible sound of the heartbeat. Criminy.
Finally I found three songs that, minus the fetal heartbeat, are very relaxing and which I enjoy playing just to see if they can put my poodle to sleep. As I write, Gus is snoozing contentedly next to me, buoyed by the gentle plucking of a harp accompanied by soft ocean sounds. Sometimes the harp dies away and only the quiet whooshing of waves against the shoreline threatens even the most hardened insomniac.
Unless you’re me. I’m thinking of the Oregon Coast with it’s biting wind and frigid waters, wondering how long it would take to die of hypothermia if I were shipwrecked.
You can’t say Crowne Plaza didn’t try. And it still is an interesting idea.